Existential Dread

I’ve never given much thought to my anxiety. I never knew there was a name for this deep dread and constant worry I felt about everything, all the time. You have been with me since birth, almost like a twin, that I thought everyone had you, that you were normal. When I was informed of your presence I ignored you and thought “I mainly struggle with depression, anxiety is whatever that diagnosis must have been wrong”. And then one day I couldn’t breathe and my head was pounding from incessant thoughts and then I was suddenly aware of how deeply embedded you are in my being and how much you truly affect me. You’re there every second of every day with me, never leaving, like a mother and her newborn or new lovers. Not a moment of reprieve. You’re there when it’s bad and that’s understandable but you also haunt my happiest moments, moments where I’m supposed to be carefree and weightless. It’s incomprehensible how much of my thoughts and feelings reflect you. How do I escape you? Because I forget about my depression in certain moments, but you? Oh you’re the pit in my stomach that never leaves, the hands around my throat that leaves me barely breathing, the voice that yells at me about endless things and more importantly you’re the dread in my heart and you never miss a beat. You’re the silent killer. Yet not, because you’re so very adamant and loud you need to be known and fed. You are my thoughts, feelings and behaviours, so very pronounced. I can’t distinguish reality from your deluded convictions. I just want a moment. One restful night. How do I escape you? I care about everything all the time and I worry about everything that I care about even more. So do I stop caring? Will you go away if I stop caring? Who am if not the person that cares? Million dollar question: Who am I without you?

-Anonymous