I don’t know anymore

I don’t know what to feel anymore.
I used to label it as depression,
but I don’t think that’s what it is.

This kind of sadness is the kind
you feel when you’re doing something important
but it’s far from where or what you want to be.

It’s the kind of sadness you feel when you’re
finally alone and feel “at peace”
but really you’re just lonely and
didn’t know how to express it.

I know I’m doing something that
will benefit but will that benefit
leave me happy or just satisfied?

I want to be happy.
I don’t want to be left with just hard earned money
and no source real and genuine laughter.

I’ve never felt pure joy in ages
and I want to finally experience it again
but I can’t, because I need to be satisfied.
What do I do?

I don’t know anymore…

-Anonymous