Trigger warning: mention of rape

Many times, when my mind goes blank,
When there’s nothing to think about except that one thing, I try to leave in my past.
I’m brought back to the same situation.

Forced to contemplate if what happened was my fault.
Was I too quick to succumb to pressure?
Did my multiple no’s sound like a, ‘ask some more maybe I’ll give in’ ?
Were the hands holding me down really so strong that I couldn’t fight?
Was the eventual yes that came out of my mouth my consent or not?

Maybe if nothing came from it I would have been fine.
But now I have a constant reminder of that time.
Deep down I know that it was their fault, not mine.
But something’s always there, making me tell myself that I should’ve done something else, something more.

Then what comes next is a feeling of self hatred, guilt and betrayal.
How could I let this happened to myself?
Why am I so dirty?
Why did God let this happen to me?
I was an innocent 12 year old girl.
What had I fucking done to deserve this?
And there’s only one way I know how to deal with the emotional chaos going on in my brain.
Convert the pain to physical and get some silence in my head.
That’s when I can finally breath and focus on something else.

-Anonymous