was i in love with you or the person i made you out to be

I loved you over and over again no matter how much times you hurt me no matter how much times it hurt . No matter how many times I promised myself I was done and I would never go back due to the lying and manipulation, when you told me you “loved me” something in my heart always took you back. You’ve told me you lied to protect me, I asked you from what? You said yourself. You said your feelings weren’t lies, you just lied about the stuff you did and I never understood that. It’s been 2 days since you’ve said it to me and it still hurts my core. Everyone knows that you’re fucked up but yet still I always found the good in you, maybe it’s because it took me so long to gain your trust and your love, something so vulnerable and fragile I would hope this means we have a lifetime together. Lost so easily in the span of just two months you would always tell me you love me. When I look into your eyes I would always be swept away, I feel so deeply in love with you but every time you lied it’s like my heart decayed. We’ve spoken for a while and despite your numerous lies you’re still the person I see myself being with. I often ask God why do I feel this way. How can something so unhealthy, that makes me so sad and so hurt, that rocks my core thinking about it, mentally casts my mind away from the world, when I’m thinking about it it’s like my life is at a standstill, I can’t hear anything else but the voices in my head making me feel as if I’m not enough when I have given all I could. I just feel as if I have so much love to give but it was just hindered due to the constant lying and manipulation. 2 years nothing but straight lies “to protect me” I just don’t understand I really don’t. I tell myself I’m done and I’m moving on and forward but if they text me or if I see a picture of them my heart stops just for a milli second and then I’m just consumed by the person I made them out to be. I don’t know how to explain it, it feels as if it’s ridiculous talking about it but the feeling is just so real it’s clear that the person is broken and maybe I am myself but if I could I genuinely see myself spending the rest of my life trying to make them better. I just want the best for them genuinely I would give my all to make them happy if they were ever to be hurt i don’t see myself even living on this earth and that’s just me being honest so despite all they’re lying and manipulation why do I feel this way why why why why why. I love and believe in God and yes people are brought in your life to teach you lessons and I trust that I just want to know why do i feel this way it’s almost as if a burden is on my heart.

-Anonymous